Gandalf's Camera
by onions-are-joy
Summary: Gandalf has a new hobby. Taking embarassing pictures, and shouting his mating call DDDDDDWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
1. Tasty Mucus Inside

Gandalf's Camera  
  
Gandalf snuck around the corner. "Oh, yes..."  
  
He snapped a picture and slunk away.  
  
Pippin's head turned. "What was that?"  
  
"What?" asked Diamond (his wife).  
  
"I thought I heard something," said Pippin. He shook his head. "Nah, nevermind."  
  
"DWAAAAH!" yelled Gandalf, for that was his secret mating call.  
  
"DWAAAAH!" came an answering yell by Lord Elrond himself. "Gandalf! We must take more pictures!"  
  
"Some may call us picture-happy," muttered Gandalf, "But they will get their comeuppance! They will soon see the wrath of Gandalf! I shall take embarassing pictures of them and post them up all over Rivendell!"  
  
"Or," said Elrond, "You could use them as blackmail!"  
  
Gandalf rubs his chin and ponders for a few hours.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"You know what I think, Pip?" asked Merry, as Pippin walked up to him.  
  
"No, not really," said Pippin, "Your mind works in strange and mysterious ways."  
  
"I know," said Merry, smiling. "Anyway, I think Gandalf and Elrond are an item."  
  
"WHAT? Are you insane???" said Pippin. "It's obviously Aragorn and Frodo."  
  
Merry stared at Pippin. "Now that's just plain wrong."  
  
"Well it's better than GANDALF and ELROND!!!" shouted Pippin.  
  
Merry lunges at Pippin's throat. "NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!"  
  
"Oh shut up," said Pippin, "You're just jealous that I have better deodorant than you do."  
  
"No you don't!"  
  
"Everybody knows that mine's as fresh as a summer breeze," boasted Pippin.  
  
"Well mine's as crisp as a winter morning," argued Merry.  
  
"Gandalf, I think someone suspects," Elrond observed, "It's the little ones."  
  
"Now we shall take EMBARRASING PICTURES OF THEM!" shouted Gandalf, very overexcited.  
  
"Calm down, calm down," soothed Elrond.  
  
"Time to kick some hobbit feet!"  
  
Two Hours Later...  
  
Merry and Pippin were sitting in the grass outside of Lord Elrond's bedroom, trying to catch site of Gandalf and Elrond together.  
  
"Pip, I've got the biggest booger ever stuck up my left nostril."  
  
"Eeeew, thats disgusting TMI!" shouted Pippin.  
  
"Tasty mucous inside?" Merry asked "Pippin I never knew..."  
  
"NO! NO! Too Much Information," said Pippin.  
  
"AAAAAAAAH I cant get it out I cant get it out, itsstuck itsstuckupthere!" yelled Merry. "Help me, Pip,"  
  
Pippin scrunched up his nose in disgust, while unwillingly sticking his finger up Merry's left nostril.  
  
"I cant find it Merry. Left or right?" Pippin asked.  
  
"DWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"  
  
"OH no its GANDALF!" screamed Merry with Pippin's finger still halfway up his nose.  
  
Gandalf snaps a picture then runs away shouting his mating cry all the while.  
  
Pippin removed his finger from Merry's nose. 


	2. DWAH and PINK THONGS!

Later...  
  
"Bwahahahahahahahaha! We have done it, Elrond, we have SUCCESS!" shouted Elrond when the pictures were finally developed. "Now once everyone in all of Middle Earth sees this embarrassing picture the hobbits will be shamed SHAMED!"  
  
"Gandalf, CALM DOWN!" commanded Elrond. "How many times do I have to tell you?"  
  
"Elrond you have no friends!"   
  
"Then what are you?" questioned Elrond.  
  
"I am a vacuous idiot. I feel pretty oh so pretty!" sings Gandalf just like a vacuous idiot.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"My my this Uranikan guy  
  
May be Vader someday later  
  
Now he's just a small fry" sang Pippin.  
  
"You're singing wrong," corrected Merry, "It's not Uranikan it's This Here Anikan Guy, you're hopeless."  
  
"No you're wrong!"  
  
"NO, YOU!"  
  
Merry turns very red and bellows as he pulls Pippin's shorts down. EEEWWW he was wearing a THONG!!! it was PINK!!!  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH PIPPIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! WITH A PINK THONG!?!?!!? screamed Merry.  
  
Suddenly they heard the echoing mating cries of Gandalf and Elrond."DWAH DDDDDDDDDWWWWWAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Merry and Pippin shrieked.  
  
Elrond snapped a picture and jumped into Gandalfs arms.  
  
"Away Away to the Elrond Mobile."  
  
"You're a loony!" Shouted Pippin.  
  
"Pippin I have gas." whispered Merry.  
  
"TMI Merry,"  
  
Back the lab of DDDDDDDWWWWWAAAAAHHHHH...  
  
"WE SHALL SOON CONTROL THE WORLD TTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHEEEEEE WWWWWWWOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLDDDDDD!!!!!!!" Screamed Gandalf his eye twitching like that of a clock (if clocks had eyes that is).  
  
"QUIET! The pictures they are developing!" Elrond commanded laughing manically.   
  
"DDDDDDWWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" 


	3. Horrible Elven Disco Music

"Pip, I know what we must do." whispered Merry excitedly. "We must find a way to get them back, we must embarrase them."  
  
"Lets go borrow Faramir's camera." said Pippin.  
  
They skipped all the way to Faramir's room.  
  
"Yo, Faramir."  
  
"What is it, my homies?"  
  
"Can we borrow your camera? its really really important," pleaded Merry.  
  
"But I need my camera, I need it to take pictures of Gwenyth Paltrow, Julia Roberts, and the ever beautiful Ricard Simmons!" Faramir stated.  
  
"Do you know what he's talking about, Pip?" asked Merry.  
  
"No idea," Pippin said. "Why dont we just ake-tay e-thay amera-cay."  
  
"Good idea."  
  
They grabbed the camera and ran from the room as fast as they can.  
  
"You know he will come after us." said Merry.  
  
"I'll put it a place he will never look nor want to look."  
  
"NO PIPPIN NO!" too late Pippin had stuck the camera down his pants.  
  
"What? Whats wrong?" he asked oblivious.  
  
"Give me back the camera," Merry commanded.  
  
"No, you'll have to come and get it," Pippin argued.  
  
"Alright!" Merry stuck his hand down Pippin's pants and just then they heard the horrifying cries of...  
  
"DDDDDDDWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"  
  
"Oh no..."   
  
"Oh yes, fear dear hobbits, fear me." said Gandalf.  
  
"For this will be your downfall!" screamed Elrond.  
  
They each snapped a picture.   
  
"DDDWWWWAAAAAHHHHHH!" they screamed as they twirled back to their secret headquarters.

At the headquarters of the SOCIETY OF THE INSANE AND THE UGLY... (yes Gandalf is insane and Elrond is ugly)  
  
"Finally we have enough pictures to disgrace them, FOREVER!"  
  
"Should we post them now and celebrate later or celebrate now and post them later?" asked Elrond.  
  
"How about we celebrate now and later." said Gandalf.  
  
"Good idea,"  
  
"Come Elrond we must dance."  
  
And on came the horrible elven disco music, and off came their cloaks. Sequins flashed everywhere, and horrible dance moves overtook the wizard and the elf. Yes they had dance fever.

"Oh my... Pip come look at this." said Merry in an excited whisper, "And bring the camera."  
  
"Whats that horrible noise?" said Pippin covering his ears.  
  
"Its elven dance music, they love it for some reason. Don't ask me." said Merry. "But look at Elrond and Gandalf."  
  
Pippin immediately began snapping pictures right and left.

"Gandalf did you here that?"  
  
"Here what?" For he was to busy shakin his money maker to notice.  
  
"It sounded like a camera."  
  
"I dont think so."  
  
"Oh but I do."  
  
By the time they got outside Merry and Pippin were long gone.


	4. Brainwashing boys and fat slobs

Back in Faramir's Room...  
  
"Hey Faramir heres your camera." shouted Merry to a seemingly empty room. "Where is he now?"  
  
"POOF!" screamed Faramir as he dropped onto both the unfortunate hobbits. "Give me back my camera you little piles of foul smelling sludge!"  
  
"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Gandalf and Elrond were hanging the pictures all over Rivendell.   
  
"DWAH! Those hobbits don't have a chance."   
  
"Of course not Gandalf." said Elrond. "Now we must go brainwash some young elven men to do our bidding."  
  
"Lets go get Arwen it always works quicker when she's around."  
  
"DDDDDDDDWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" They both shouted while skipping off to find Arwen.  
  
Later on...  
  
"Now be honest with me. Which one is better, the white one or the green one? I really do think these pants make me look fat. Frodo. Frodo."  
  
"Hmmmmmm..."  
  
"Pay attention Frodo this is important."  
  
"Oh come on Sam it doesn't matter. It's just a stupid ceremony."  
  
"It does so matter. I dont want to end up looking like a fat slob." Sam broke into sobbs and hid his face in his hands.  
  
Just then Merry and Pipppin ran into the room.  
  
"I'm sorry Sam but that shirt really does make you look fat."   
  
"Oh shut up Merry!" yelled Frodo. "By the way, what have you to been up to?"  
  
"Oh nothing much." said Pippin.  
  
"I'm not so sure, I think me and Sam saw some rather interesting pictures on the way here."   
  
"It's not what you think it is." protested Merry.   
  
"It's not what I think it is. How can it not be what I think it is?" asked Frodo incredously. "Merry you had your hand down his pants."  
  
"I was trying to get the camera back."  
  
"Oh a likely story. Isn't that what Fatty said when we caught him with Prunella?"  
  
"Yeah I think it was." said Sam.  
  
"Well look at this!" said Pippin whipping out the photo of Gandalf and Elrond.  
  
"Is that Gandalf?"  
  
"And Elrond?"  
  
Back to the tale of Lord Elrond and Gandalf...  
  
"I think I like the one with black hair. What about you Gandalf?"  
  
"I don't know I'm partial to blondes myself."  
  
They spend a few more moments pondering.  
  
"You on the end step forward." commanded Elrond. "Yes you."  
  
"Um...Dad thats your son." said Arwen putting her hand on her arm.  
  
"Ah, yes. You my boy, shall serve Gandalf." he said confused "I'll take the blonde one on the end." 


	5. Starry starrychicken?

sorry this chaps a bit short... im so LAZY! DWAH LAZY!

Meanwhile on the hobbit end.

"What's that?" asked Merry fearfuly, "It...it can't be"

"NO, it's American Pie!" screamed Pippin, "Grab Frodo." but it was too late for frodo was already jumping up and down frantically. "Get him before the chorus!" cried Sam, "No, Mr. Frodo, no"

Just then Don McLean began singing:  
"Bye bye Miss American Pie Drove the Chevy to the Levy but the levy was dry And good ol' boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye Singin' this will be the day that I die"

The moment Frodo heard the word die he shouted "Die die die, live live live, sex sex sex, more more more." while running around in circles making obscene gestures at all the old elves surrounding him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH FRODO!" screamed Bilbo, "How many times do I have to tell you to stop giving the old men the finger. I dont know how long these raging hormones are going to last"

"And to think, I used to respect that man." said Merry wonderigly as Bilbo began dancing like a chicken to "Starry Starry Night". Frodo had calmed down by now. "How can he yell at you when every time he hears Starry starry night he makes a fool out of himself." "I dunno, Sam. I think I need to rest now"

"Why don't Gandalf and Elrond go after them, they do so many embarrasing things. I mean look at Bilbo, I'm ashamed to think that he's my 2nd cousin 3 times removed"

"I know what you mean, why do you think the Bagginses are like that"

"Bad genes I guess"

"Um...Pip most of there genes are shared with us," "My point is that they have something a little loose in their brains"

"Maybe you do to," said Merry looking at Pippin disgustedly.


End file.
